he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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