I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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