I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just had sex on a roof
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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