I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
