The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
