Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can't motorboat a personality
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
