I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
