dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
