I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
