I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
