I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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