i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
