I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
