I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
