Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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