I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
