well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
