Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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