Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
