I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
