I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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