my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
