Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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