Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you never un-have a 4some
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
