he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
