Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
