dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
