Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
