you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
