My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
