i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
