you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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