If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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