I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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