oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
