i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
