if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
