Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
