Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
