They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
