bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
