I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
this is an emotional support booty call
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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