STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
