found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
