If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
