never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
