Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
