Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
