Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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