i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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