i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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