you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize