I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
