New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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