I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
