also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
